8.6.15 my quest for [un]healthiness

"I guess it's a comfort, perhaps a sense of self control, doing worse damage to yourself than the world will ever dare inflict." 

-Chuck Palahniuk-

It seems that when I consciously make the choice to clean up my eating act

it

just

gets

worse.

I don't understand.

I just wish I could have a normal, drama-free relationship with food.

Like, why is that so god damn difficult?

Life sucks when it isn't fair, let's be honest.

We're all thinking it.

I don't really know how to handle this.

I need to work on my willpower,

but seeing as I have absolutely none

I'm not really sure how to increase it.

Because any number multiplied by zero is going to equal fucking zero.

But okay, I might have a sliver of willpower.

Sometimes I do pass over that cookie

or don't get a snack when I wake up in the middle of the night.

So yes, I suppose it's there, just near-incessantly dormant.

I have noticed, though, that my willpower is a little stronger when I actually make myself completely acknowledge what I'm about to do.

So when I do give in, I feel quite a bit shittier.

But...I also have a better chance of not giving in.

Guess that will be my system for now. [Metaphorically] staring myself in the face until I'm too ashamed to eat what I was about to eat.

Yeah, sounds like that will turn out super.

Guess we'll find out. Nothing else has worked yet, so...

8.1.15 poetry for sleep (and the soul)

"Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."

-Cherokee Proverb-

What do you do when you can't sleep at night?

I can never fall asleep. I guess when I'm trying to go to bed is when my mind decides the time is ripe for figuring out all the secrets to the universe.

Sadly, all that time spent is wasted, because I have yet to figure out anything, let alone things even Einstein couldn't touch.

Sometimes the stuff I think about it completely random, weird, pointless, etc. I remember one time I spent 15 minutes thinking about cake.

Cake.

I don't even really like cake.

Oftentimes my mind will get caught up in thinking about how I want to do something like a DIY project or how to crochet an afghan.

Or, if I were to build a tiny house, what it would look like.

Things that could very obviously wait to be thought about until tomorrow.

But sometimes

and lately, way too often

my mind just runs over and over my relationship/ex-relationship with my best friend/ex-best friend/ex-boyfriend/love of my life/worst person ever.

Obviously, I'm a bit confused

and only slightly bitter

but definitely sad.

So I like to write stuff down when I can't sleep. Putting it on paper gets it out of my head, at least temporarily.

Usually it's just some kind of journal-type entry, but with this one,

with this boy,

I started writing an uber-long poem.

I'm not sure why it happened that way.

But I liked it, so I kept it.

Here's the first bit:

because why not spill my guts to the strangers in the void?

How To Be Happy In 99 Steps Or More, Part I

01.Get ride of him.
02.He's not good for you.
03.You're losing all sense of rationality
04.or should I just say sanity?
05.Why don't you see it?
06.He's wool over your eyes.
07.You hang on his promises and overlook his lies.
08.You're not good enough to keep, yet he won't let you go.
09.Now you're the one who needs to take control.
10.The one thing that scares you most is how your happiness starts.
11.I'm so sorry it's this way, you know
12.but you have to do it.
13. You have to do it.
14.You must let him go.
15.You must break your own heart.