change, and other crap people don't like to deal with

I was making a dessert tonight, and it got me started on thinking about change.

Those two things seem completely unrelated, right? Some sugary goodness, and then one of those not-so-sugary life 'you-have-to-deal-with-it' things.

I'll explain that later.

It seems like most people don't really care for change. I know there are a few randos out there who not only deal with it well but actually embrace it. and even gag yearn for it.

[Maybe 'yearn' is a bit too strong of a word, but..you get the picture.]

That's not to say that everyone actively hates change.

Just that, when it does come along, it's an annoying little bugger that you'd like to be able to kill with one swipe from a fly swatter.

Ahh, sweet, sweet wishes.

The phrase 'if only' comes to mind.

Because why change, particularly when you're already happy with your life in general? Because change can be scary, and I don't know about you, but when I think of change, my mind immediately goes to all the negative things that can happen.

Kind of like the old adage 'Don't fix what isn't broken'? But, that's just too logical!

[Although, it would appear that some men people do have trouble understanding that line of reasoning.]

Just kidding.

You keep doing you.

But seriously, what if you stop looking at it as a "I need to fix this, apparently it is broken somehow?" and more like...an upgrade?

You don't have something broken, you have something that you love, and when an update comes along that could-would-probably make that thing even better..why not take it?

I mean, everything time you upgrade your phone software...it could be a faulty upgrade or a virus or something, but you don't focus on that, do you? You just focus on all the awesomeness [or frustrations for you iPhoners] that the upgrade will bring.

So what would it be like to look at changes in your life the way you look at upgrades to your phone?

I have just realized how drawn-out, possibly unintelligible but most definitely convoluted, this analogy has  been. I do apologize.

I love making up the most ridiculous [and hopefully unique] analogies. My best friend says they are horrible. But he says it with a tiny smile on his face so I know he secretly loves them, and thus I will never stop.

Anyways.

I have dealt with a lot of change in my life. Normal, most-people-encounter-this-at-some-point change, and then some not-so-normal "Holy shit this sucks" change.

[I'm seriously trying to fit in vast amounts of punctuation in this post, can you tell?]

But as a grown ass woman child, I was not resistant to change.

I loathed it.

Abhorred it.

Detested it.

It was practically traumatic for me.

[And I was not a dramatic child. Apparently, I just had a few weird...quirks. Sure, quirks, let's go with that.]

One time, when I was somewhere between the ages of 5 and 10 [don't judge, my memory from back then kiiiinda sucks], my parents decided to get a new couch.

I cried.

I threw a temper tantrum.

I had a legitimate meltdown.

Over a sofa.

I mean, all my parents were doing was updating. Upgrading.

I've gotten better at handling change, and I think sometimes I need it so badly that I actually force it to happen instead of letting it happen organically naturally. [One of my favorite tv shows, Treehouse Masters, has been using the word 'organically' waaaaay too much lately.]

I think forcing change is not unnatural, though. Right? All it is, is you making your own choice to change something, and then following through on it.

Seeing as the last 8 years have consisted of me attending FOUR universities [and one community college for a summer class], not to mention living in FIVE different cities, and moving houses/apartments/dwellings/whatever a grand whopping total of ELEVEN TIMES. Good god, I'm so sick of moving.

Every time I've decided to make that change, it's brought both new good things and new bad things into my life, as well as removing some old good things and some old bad things.

I think on a whole, though, so far the good things have [at least slightly] outweighed the bad things.

So don't be afraid of change. Look at is a chance to, such as in my case, get a fresh start [or eleven].

Maybe you'll learn something new. 

[I wouldn't be surprised.]

Maybe you'll meet someone wonderful, or accomplish something you didn't think you could-or didn't even think about, period.

Maybe, god forbid, you just might actually like it.

And if you don't and it's horrible? Well, lucky you.

Because in all likelihood, you now get to force some change, and change the change that you ended up not liking. [Did that make sense?]

So next time change comes into your life that you're not so sure about, take a minute to really examine it, and try to find something about it that is going to affect your life in a positive way.

If you can't find anything, and it's a change that you cannot sidestep, well, that sucks.

My advice is to hold on tight, wait til the roller coaster ride is over, maybe go puke in a metal trash can, then come back and make it your bitch.

Or something like that.

That's what I try to and sometimes fail to but whatever I tried do.

[About the dessert thing...it was stupid. I was making one of my favorite desserts and decided to finally see how it turned out if I swapped the sugar for a substitue sweetener (I used stevia or truvia or actually the kroger/dillons brand but that doesn't matter). I was always resistant to trying this because it's a dessert, sugar is sacred, I should be able to eat a normal dessert like a normal person and not have to rely on artificial sweeteners everytime I want some damn sweet shit in my mouth. But what's the lesser of two evils? The still-mysterious artificial sweeteners that are thought to maybe cause cancer or extra belly fat, and you might grow a beak or donkey tail or something as well; or copious amounts of real sugar, that is known to cause diabetes? Meh, you can't win them all.]

[A smart person would tell me to just stop eating so much sweetened food in general, barring fruit. You know where I'd tell that smart person to shove it?

Nowhere.
My mouth would be too full with decadent, sugary perfection!]

6.9.15 other goals

"The best part of health is a fine dispostion."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson-


I talked about my academic and career goals in this post, but I have different goals occupying other areas of my life.

Two of these areas include:

health & fitness

hobbies

I'm focusing on these two right now because they are two that I can do right now. I don't have to wait for something else to be completed before working on these.

HEALTH & FITNESS

My diet isn't horrendous [I'm getting pretty good at eating my fruits and veggies at every meal as well as a snack or two], but I definitely eat way too much sugar and drink too much pop.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to give up pop completely, but I'd like to get to where I'm only drinking one glass at lunch and one at dinner and that's it.

One reason I'm not obsessing over the pop thing is because I mostly drink diet Coke, and occasionally drink regular Coke, but I don't really drink anything else besides that except water. Sometimes I'll get a little wild and do apple juice, but it doesn't happen very often.

With sugar...it's an addiction. I have this primal urge to eat dessert after every meal [excluding breakfast]. It's like my meal doesn't feel complete, like I can't stop eating, until I have my dessert.

I desperately need to kick this habit.

In terms of fitness...I really enjoy working out. Unfortunately, I lose the motivation to do so sometimes. I love yoga and swimming, and organized sports [which I participated in a lot in high school, and just recently took a sand volleyball class--LOVED IT], and I want to like to run, but my god, I suck at it. 

One of my big goals is to run a 5K, then a 10K, and finally a half marathon. I don't know if I would or ever could get past 13.1 miles, and that's okay. I just want to accomplish something that takes a lot of hard work and effort, time and dedication. That is way more satisfying than accomplishing something that most people can do with their eyes closed

[Although if that's where you are at in your life, due to illness or mental health issues, etc, you should 100% be proud of doing those things. I know. I've been there.]

I also want to lose weight. I feel like everybody says that. I want to lose weight for all those reasons that you're not supposed to want lose weight for, like be skinnier, wear the clothes that I really want to wear and not the ones I have to wear now, maaayyybe eventually find someone to date, etc.

But those aren't the only reasons, and that's what counts. My weight makes me uncomfortable, physically and psychologically. I know I could have more energy. I know I could sleep better [I get the occasional sleep apnea, but don't have a machine thing]. I know that I would just feel better, healthier, in general.

Working out is a lot easier for me to get started on than eating a healthier diet. I know it'll be a struggle. I don't understand why it's so difficult for some people to just stop eating or just not eat that thing that they don't even really want, let alone need, whereas with other people it just comes naturally to them. They make it look so easy, thoughtless. I mean, maybe they just hide the internal struggle really well, but I doubt it.

I also know that when I start my job, I will be out of my apartment a lot more. A lot of the overeating I do is because of boredom. Well, guess who tends to eat less when she's busy with a job and in the groove of working out? This girl. So I'm looking forward to that. Especially because my job is fairly physical, lots of walking around and moving boxes and putting stuff away, I feel much better.

I mean, working out for an hour or two each day is really great, but if you're spending the other 22 hours either sitting down or sleeping...how much is that really doing for you? I know a lot of people out there have jobs that involve lots of desk/cubicle time, because that's just the nature of it, and that's fine. But having an active job is great, because if I need to take a day off from working out, well I still wasn't just schlumping around all day. I don't feel guilty.

I was going to write about hobbies, but this post is already pretty long, so I think I'll save it for the next one.

Cheerio!

6.9.15 living in the moment

"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner."
-Collette-


While I was on my walk today, my thoughts started wondering, hopping from here to there to pretty much everywhere.

I hate when this happens when I'm trying to go to sleep, but when I'm exercise, it's not at all a problem.

And to be honest, I don't listen to music when I work out [except for yoga].

With all my thoughts jumbled and bouncing everywhere, it may not seem like it's helping to clear my head, but it really really does.

[I highly recommend taking a few workouts media-less and seeing how it affects you. It's an interesting experience.]

Anyways, I was thinking about the past.

Do you ever think about something in your past? But neither regretting nor yearning for it.

Just remembering it, and appreciating it for what it was.

And where it's brought you.

I'm trying very hard to focus on and live in the moment.

In this moment.

It's difficult, and it's not doable 100% of the time [and probably doing that 100% of the time can cause its own problems], but for me it's important to practice this as much as I can.

Remember this post? I mentioned how I have trouble taking my eyes away from the bigger picture and instead focusing on smaller goals, ones that I can accomplish now?

That happens when I'm trying to live in the future. But I can't live in the future.

Because when I try to, I end up just not really living, period.

I was watching a documentary on Netflix called Tiny: A Story About Living Small, and one of the persons they feature was this lady who threw out a thought.

A thought that affected me more than I expected something like that to.

What she said was along the lines of: "You have to get comfortable with who you are. Because who you are may be all that you're ever going to be."

[It's said at ~42:30 minute mark]

And you may think, well obviously I'm going to change throughout my life.

And you're right. Change is inevitable.

But it doesn't guarantee that you'll be more happy than you were before.

I've been, not always unhappy, but certainly always uncomfortable, with myself since the sixth grade. In the span of those 14 years, I have changed a lot.

And I'm still not comfortable with myself.

That's why it's so important for me to live in this moment. I will never be truly content if I can only focus on past or future events. 

6.8.15 [some of] my personal goals

ONE

complete my degree

TWO

find a killer [in a good way] job

THREE

pay off my student loan debt

FOUR

start making the things I want to make

FIVE

start a business that sells said things that I want to make

These are my academic- and career-related goals, but I definitely have other goals for other areas of my life.

The problem is, I get all caught up and excited thinking about goals four and five, when I really need to be focusing on goal one.

I have to remind myself that everything will still be there when I am ready and able to return to it.

There will a job out there.

I have no doubt that my debt will still be there.

And the materials for the things I want to make probably aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

The other issue I keep running into is my age. I fixate on the fact that I will be gasp a whole 28 years old before my true career starts.

I just...I hate the idea of my "adult" life not really beginning until I'm almost in my thirties. The idea both terrifies and disgusts me.

The funny thing is, I don't have that same feeling when it comes to other people. I think it's awesome when I see a 50some-year-old person in my circuits class. They're finally doing what they want to do, damn their age.

Life doesn't end at 30.

I must remember this, believe this, and accept this.

6.8.15 goals and aspirations

"Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning."

-Gloria Steinem-

Yes, I'm that person who starts her posts with a quote.

But I promise I'll try to keep them under two sentences.

And they [most likely] will be pertinent to the topic at hand...

...which brings me to the current topic: goals and aspirations.

What can goals really be? I believe that they can be anything.

Is there something you want to be/have/make/do/experience/achieve/etc?

Well, there you go. You have found yourself a goal to strive towards.

Although, I think I prefer the word aspiration to the word goal because aspiration just seems so much more...seraphic.

More enchanting.

Whereas goal sounds like something that involves a lot of grunt work and other not-so-fun stuff, and the end product looks less like a Notre Dame and more like a Centennial Office Building.

I mean, we all know deep down that any goal, any aspiration worth achieving is going to take time, effort, blood, sweat, and tears. It has to be difficult, because if it was easy, everybody would do it.

So although you may balk at the idea of taking on something seemingly-Herculean, if you really want it, don't pass on it.

Break it up into little mini goals. And then break those up into steps. And then, break those steps up into itty bitty baby steps.

For example, completing one homework problem correctly - at this moment in time - is quite a bit more doable than, say, graduating. I mean, the latter is just flat out impossible to achieve in this moment. But you can complete one homework problem in this moment, so do that.

Because if you continue to do that, over and over and over, it will eventually bring you to the moment where obtaining your diploma is what is happening.

Keep your eye on the prize, sure. Of course that is important.

But you absolutely have to direct the majority of your focus at the itty bitty baby steps. They're not always fun, and they are hardly ever glamorous.

But they also aren't overwhelming, nor are they so ambitious that you cannot finish.

Plus, it is very...refreshing, to be able to celebrate the mini accomplishments on your way to the big one.

And that is necessary to keep you from losing steam along the way.

the REAL first post

So I realized today that, oh god, my life is remarkably boring right now.

So obviously writing about it online is going to liven it up, yeah?

Or not.

But I have many goals and aspirations, which I tend to veer from very easily when I get into these new gad-abouts and get a new thrill.

They're usually short-lived, so when I make rash, life-altering decisions when I'm in this state, problems tend to arise.

It happens way too often so I have to be constantly and excessively adamant about checking myself before I, you know, wreck my life.

Maybe writing everything down and putting it out there for probably no one the world to read would help me on my quest to....

accomplish my goals?

move forward in life? (I've felt very stuck the last 8 years)

be happier? (I'm not unhappy currently, just...lackluster bordering on indifferent)

So I've decided that this is where I'm going to do it.

Instead of the internet being the most time-sucking, procrastination-enabling, wonderfully entertaining thing ever, I've decided to make the internet work for me.

I'm using it as a tool to get to where I want to be, and hoping that seeing all my thoughts written down typed out will be a constant reminder to take that one little step each day and to not constantly focus on the bigger picture.

Although I believe it's very important to have some kind of bigger picture, some kind of plan or predetermined goal, you can't only stare at that, because it'll seem so huge, so monumental, that you'll go cross-eyed and be paralyzed and end up quitting before you even start.

Or maybe you will start, but after the first few steps are taken and you're still very far from the finished product, you'll feel like you made no headway when, in actuality, you made the most important headway -> the beginning.

So then you quit.

I'm not falling for that this time.

This time, I'm going all the way.

And I'm going to make sure that I enjoy the process.

There will be no "suffering through", because reaching my goals will not satisfy me if the whole way there is just one big grind.

Nope, I'm going to make sure that it's a slide.

the first post

Like a soundcheck

but with text vomit instead of feedback.