8.6.15 my quest for [un]healthiness

"I guess it's a comfort, perhaps a sense of self control, doing worse damage to yourself than the world will ever dare inflict." 

-Chuck Palahniuk-

It seems that when I consciously make the choice to clean up my eating act

it

just

gets

worse.

I don't understand.

I just wish I could have a normal, drama-free relationship with food.

Like, why is that so god damn difficult?

Life sucks when it isn't fair, let's be honest.

We're all thinking it.

I don't really know how to handle this.

I need to work on my willpower,

but seeing as I have absolutely none

I'm not really sure how to increase it.

Because any number multiplied by zero is going to equal fucking zero.

But okay, I might have a sliver of willpower.

Sometimes I do pass over that cookie

or don't get a snack when I wake up in the middle of the night.

So yes, I suppose it's there, just near-incessantly dormant.

I have noticed, though, that my willpower is a little stronger when I actually make myself completely acknowledge what I'm about to do.

So when I do give in, I feel quite a bit shittier.

But...I also have a better chance of not giving in.

Guess that will be my system for now. [Metaphorically] staring myself in the face until I'm too ashamed to eat what I was about to eat.

Yeah, sounds like that will turn out super.

Guess we'll find out. Nothing else has worked yet, so...

8.1.15 poetry for sleep (and the soul)

"Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."

-Cherokee Proverb-

What do you do when you can't sleep at night?

I can never fall asleep. I guess when I'm trying to go to bed is when my mind decides the time is ripe for figuring out all the secrets to the universe.

Sadly, all that time spent is wasted, because I have yet to figure out anything, let alone things even Einstein couldn't touch.

Sometimes the stuff I think about it completely random, weird, pointless, etc. I remember one time I spent 15 minutes thinking about cake.

Cake.

I don't even really like cake.

Oftentimes my mind will get caught up in thinking about how I want to do something like a DIY project or how to crochet an afghan.

Or, if I were to build a tiny house, what it would look like.

Things that could very obviously wait to be thought about until tomorrow.

But sometimes

and lately, way too often

my mind just runs over and over my relationship/ex-relationship with my best friend/ex-best friend/ex-boyfriend/love of my life/worst person ever.

Obviously, I'm a bit confused

and only slightly bitter

but definitely sad.

So I like to write stuff down when I can't sleep. Putting it on paper gets it out of my head, at least temporarily.

Usually it's just some kind of journal-type entry, but with this one,

with this boy,

I started writing an uber-long poem.

I'm not sure why it happened that way.

But I liked it, so I kept it.

Here's the first bit:

because why not spill my guts to the strangers in the void?

How To Be Happy In 99 Steps Or More, Part I

01.Get ride of him.
02.He's not good for you.
03.You're losing all sense of rationality
04.or should I just say sanity?
05.Why don't you see it?
06.He's wool over your eyes.
07.You hang on his promises and overlook his lies.
08.You're not good enough to keep, yet he won't let you go.
09.Now you're the one who needs to take control.
10.The one thing that scares you most is how your happiness starts.
11.I'm so sorry it's this way, you know
12.but you have to do it.
13. You have to do it.
14.You must let him go.
15.You must break your own heart.

7.26.15 daily bathing [and motivation]

"People often say that motivation doesn't last.

Well, neither does bathing.

That's why we recommend it daily."

-Zig Ziglar-

This is really not going well so far.

I don't understand why it's so difficult?

Does someone have the magic answer??

I will say though, I have been much more aware of, not what I'm eating, but the fact that I'm eating something even though I know I shouldn't be. I'm not trying to hide it from myself anymore. I'm staring the reality straight in the face.

And then continuing to eat the crap anyways.

But it will get better, I know it will.

I can't give up.

That would just be a stupid decision.

And now I need to work on not throwing a whole day away just because I make one bad food choice. One cookie a day is not making me fat.

It's all the shit I eat after the cookie, when I've thought, 'Might as well screw it, I've already had one cookie so now this day is ruined, so I'll just eat all the cookies'.

That is what is making me fat.

And that is what I need to stop doing.

[Also] I don't know if I've already used that quote, and I don't care if I have. It's one of my favorites, and you can really apply it to just about any situation you find yourself in.

 

7.25.15 now does not mean tomorrow

"When you complain, you make yourself a victim.

Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it.

All else is madness."

-Eckhart Tolle-

My sugar-free day today [well, technically yesterday, since it's past midnight] did not go well.

At all.

I thought it was going to be fine, but I made a concious bad choice, and after that I just sort of said 'Ah, fuck it'.

That's always a good way to deal with life, right?

Anyways I was trolling perusing the internet and found a 6ish minute video that was an ex drill sergeant calling out people for, well, basically being fat unhealthy. It was very much a tough-love video. Very much so.

But the moral of the video is that it's unhealthy [duh, we all know this already], and that for many people making excuses for why they are unhealthy/overweight/obese/etc, very few of them are actually legitimate. Mostly people are lazy [not wanting/being too tired to work out, not wanting to take the time to cook healthier meals] and/or have low self-control, specifically when it comes to eating.

[Yeah, I get it, people have thyroid problems. I have had thyroid problems. And when I was diagnosed with them, I still only weighed about 130 pounds. It's less of an excuse than what people want to admit. Also, I have to take fracking steroids right now, thanks to my lovely autoimmune disease, and although this caused me to gain like 20 pounds in one effing month, that doesn't mean I can't change it. I can. It's just "too hard". *eyeroll@myself*]

It sounds harsh, and it is a bit. And I am usually wary of fitness and health "experts" ranting about fat people because, seriously, they we get that enough from scumbags who just want to shit on others.

But strangely enough, his video did not turn me off.

It was actually quite intriguing, to the point that I followed it to his facebook page and read more about him.

Whatever, I'm not going to link it or anything, but you can google it yourself. They guy's name is John Burk.

The main point I took home from the video is that it has to start today.

And I have problems with that.

I'm always like, okay, I'll have this one last day of eating all this crappy crap food that I love just to get the cravings out of my system, and tomorrow I'll start eating baby carrots and drinking 5000 gallons of water per day.

The thing is, tomorrow is always tomorrow.

And so tonight, I decided that is does not start tomorrow [even though it'd be super easy to make that excuse, seeing as it's so late]. It. Starts. Now.

And I've already had to test my willpower once. It only took three hours before my brain was back on the food train.

I went to eat cereal and was literally thinking 'One for the road' as I opened the box...

then stopped and thought about how I was already giving up after three fucking hours? Seriously?

So I closed the box and put it back

and possibly gave myself a congratulatory mental pat on the back.

I need to hold myself accountable.

I need to think of the bigger picture.

I need to remind myself of the longer picture.

Is one minute of having happy taste buds worth feeling uncomfortable and unhealthy and generally shitty the other 1439 minutes in the day?

No. Not even a little bit.

Soooo why would I continue to act like it is?

7.23.15 sugar tantrums

"A river cuts through water

not because of its power

but because of its persistence."

-Jim Watkins-

I've always had a massive sweet tooth, but lately [okay, maybe not JUST lately] it's gotten completely out of control.

I'm probably eating... 500-1000 calories per day worth of dessert food.

That is not okay.

Reeeaaallllly not okay.

So I need to break this habit. Unfortunately, I don't think it will work to try and ween myself off the sugar. 

Mostly why I don't think it will work is because I've tried it countless times and oh, hey, it still hasn't worked.

So I'm quitting cold turkey.

I read this book last year called It Starts With Food, and yes, it's a paleo diet book, and no, I do not eat paleo. But it had some really good ideas and observations.

One such observation that I was previously not aware of

(no I was probably completely aware of it, just in 100% denial)

is that when I get a sugar craving, my mind is basically throwing a temper tantrum over wanting sugar and not getting it.

So when I give in to the tantrum and eat a delicious cookie or whatever, my mind stops stomping its feet like a toddler in the middle of the candy aisle at the grocery store.

However, since I gave in, next time I get a sugar craving, the sugar tantrum is going to be even louder and harder to control. So I give in again, and the sick cycle continues.

Which is why I need to cut myself off completely. Even if I say to myself, 'I will just have two desserts per week', well, that quickly turns into, like, two desserts per day.

But if I have no wiggle room, zero is zero is zero, then...I don't know. It might help?

Maybe.

We'll see.

I went all of Wednesday without dessert, and already today I broke down and ate half a cookie in the morning. [I get free cookies at my work, they are very giant cookies and the most amazing cookies I have ever tasted. So it's a problem.] But that 1/2 cookie shenanigan took place even before lunch time [kind of gross, I know], and the rest of the day I have not had anything else like that. 

Tomorrow will be sugar free for me! [fingers crossed]

change, and other crap people don't like to deal with

I was making a dessert tonight, and it got me started on thinking about change.

Those two things seem completely unrelated, right? Some sugary goodness, and then one of those not-so-sugary life 'you-have-to-deal-with-it' things.

I'll explain that later.

It seems like most people don't really care for change. I know there are a few randos out there who not only deal with it well but actually embrace it. and even gag yearn for it.

[Maybe 'yearn' is a bit too strong of a word, but..you get the picture.]

That's not to say that everyone actively hates change.

Just that, when it does come along, it's an annoying little bugger that you'd like to be able to kill with one swipe from a fly swatter.

Ahh, sweet, sweet wishes.

The phrase 'if only' comes to mind.

Because why change, particularly when you're already happy with your life in general? Because change can be scary, and I don't know about you, but when I think of change, my mind immediately goes to all the negative things that can happen.

Kind of like the old adage 'Don't fix what isn't broken'? But, that's just too logical!

[Although, it would appear that some men people do have trouble understanding that line of reasoning.]

Just kidding.

You keep doing you.

But seriously, what if you stop looking at it as a "I need to fix this, apparently it is broken somehow?" and more like...an upgrade?

You don't have something broken, you have something that you love, and when an update comes along that could-would-probably make that thing even better..why not take it?

I mean, everything time you upgrade your phone software...it could be a faulty upgrade or a virus or something, but you don't focus on that, do you? You just focus on all the awesomeness [or frustrations for you iPhoners] that the upgrade will bring.

So what would it be like to look at changes in your life the way you look at upgrades to your phone?

I have just realized how drawn-out, possibly unintelligible but most definitely convoluted, this analogy has  been. I do apologize.

I love making up the most ridiculous [and hopefully unique] analogies. My best friend says they are horrible. But he says it with a tiny smile on his face so I know he secretly loves them, and thus I will never stop.

Anyways.

I have dealt with a lot of change in my life. Normal, most-people-encounter-this-at-some-point change, and then some not-so-normal "Holy shit this sucks" change.

[I'm seriously trying to fit in vast amounts of punctuation in this post, can you tell?]

But as a grown ass woman child, I was not resistant to change.

I loathed it.

Abhorred it.

Detested it.

It was practically traumatic for me.

[And I was not a dramatic child. Apparently, I just had a few weird...quirks. Sure, quirks, let's go with that.]

One time, when I was somewhere between the ages of 5 and 10 [don't judge, my memory from back then kiiiinda sucks], my parents decided to get a new couch.

I cried.

I threw a temper tantrum.

I had a legitimate meltdown.

Over a sofa.

I mean, all my parents were doing was updating. Upgrading.

I've gotten better at handling change, and I think sometimes I need it so badly that I actually force it to happen instead of letting it happen organically naturally. [One of my favorite tv shows, Treehouse Masters, has been using the word 'organically' waaaaay too much lately.]

I think forcing change is not unnatural, though. Right? All it is, is you making your own choice to change something, and then following through on it.

Seeing as the last 8 years have consisted of me attending FOUR universities [and one community college for a summer class], not to mention living in FIVE different cities, and moving houses/apartments/dwellings/whatever a grand whopping total of ELEVEN TIMES. Good god, I'm so sick of moving.

Every time I've decided to make that change, it's brought both new good things and new bad things into my life, as well as removing some old good things and some old bad things.

I think on a whole, though, so far the good things have [at least slightly] outweighed the bad things.

So don't be afraid of change. Look at is a chance to, such as in my case, get a fresh start [or eleven].

Maybe you'll learn something new. 

[I wouldn't be surprised.]

Maybe you'll meet someone wonderful, or accomplish something you didn't think you could-or didn't even think about, period.

Maybe, god forbid, you just might actually like it.

And if you don't and it's horrible? Well, lucky you.

Because in all likelihood, you now get to force some change, and change the change that you ended up not liking. [Did that make sense?]

So next time change comes into your life that you're not so sure about, take a minute to really examine it, and try to find something about it that is going to affect your life in a positive way.

If you can't find anything, and it's a change that you cannot sidestep, well, that sucks.

My advice is to hold on tight, wait til the roller coaster ride is over, maybe go puke in a metal trash can, then come back and make it your bitch.

Or something like that.

That's what I try to and sometimes fail to but whatever I tried do.

[About the dessert thing...it was stupid. I was making one of my favorite desserts and decided to finally see how it turned out if I swapped the sugar for a substitue sweetener (I used stevia or truvia or actually the kroger/dillons brand but that doesn't matter). I was always resistant to trying this because it's a dessert, sugar is sacred, I should be able to eat a normal dessert like a normal person and not have to rely on artificial sweeteners everytime I want some damn sweet shit in my mouth. But what's the lesser of two evils? The still-mysterious artificial sweeteners that are thought to maybe cause cancer or extra belly fat, and you might grow a beak or donkey tail or something as well; or copious amounts of real sugar, that is known to cause diabetes? Meh, you can't win them all.]

[A smart person would tell me to just stop eating so much sweetened food in general, barring fruit. You know where I'd tell that smart person to shove it?

Nowhere.
My mouth would be too full with decadent, sugary perfection!]

6.9.15 other goals

"The best part of health is a fine dispostion."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson-


I talked about my academic and career goals in this post, but I have different goals occupying other areas of my life.

Two of these areas include:

health & fitness

hobbies

I'm focusing on these two right now because they are two that I can do right now. I don't have to wait for something else to be completed before working on these.

HEALTH & FITNESS

My diet isn't horrendous [I'm getting pretty good at eating my fruits and veggies at every meal as well as a snack or two], but I definitely eat way too much sugar and drink too much pop.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to give up pop completely, but I'd like to get to where I'm only drinking one glass at lunch and one at dinner and that's it.

One reason I'm not obsessing over the pop thing is because I mostly drink diet Coke, and occasionally drink regular Coke, but I don't really drink anything else besides that except water. Sometimes I'll get a little wild and do apple juice, but it doesn't happen very often.

With sugar...it's an addiction. I have this primal urge to eat dessert after every meal [excluding breakfast]. It's like my meal doesn't feel complete, like I can't stop eating, until I have my dessert.

I desperately need to kick this habit.

In terms of fitness...I really enjoy working out. Unfortunately, I lose the motivation to do so sometimes. I love yoga and swimming, and organized sports [which I participated in a lot in high school, and just recently took a sand volleyball class--LOVED IT], and I want to like to run, but my god, I suck at it. 

One of my big goals is to run a 5K, then a 10K, and finally a half marathon. I don't know if I would or ever could get past 13.1 miles, and that's okay. I just want to accomplish something that takes a lot of hard work and effort, time and dedication. That is way more satisfying than accomplishing something that most people can do with their eyes closed

[Although if that's where you are at in your life, due to illness or mental health issues, etc, you should 100% be proud of doing those things. I know. I've been there.]

I also want to lose weight. I feel like everybody says that. I want to lose weight for all those reasons that you're not supposed to want lose weight for, like be skinnier, wear the clothes that I really want to wear and not the ones I have to wear now, maaayyybe eventually find someone to date, etc.

But those aren't the only reasons, and that's what counts. My weight makes me uncomfortable, physically and psychologically. I know I could have more energy. I know I could sleep better [I get the occasional sleep apnea, but don't have a machine thing]. I know that I would just feel better, healthier, in general.

Working out is a lot easier for me to get started on than eating a healthier diet. I know it'll be a struggle. I don't understand why it's so difficult for some people to just stop eating or just not eat that thing that they don't even really want, let alone need, whereas with other people it just comes naturally to them. They make it look so easy, thoughtless. I mean, maybe they just hide the internal struggle really well, but I doubt it.

I also know that when I start my job, I will be out of my apartment a lot more. A lot of the overeating I do is because of boredom. Well, guess who tends to eat less when she's busy with a job and in the groove of working out? This girl. So I'm looking forward to that. Especially because my job is fairly physical, lots of walking around and moving boxes and putting stuff away, I feel much better.

I mean, working out for an hour or two each day is really great, but if you're spending the other 22 hours either sitting down or sleeping...how much is that really doing for you? I know a lot of people out there have jobs that involve lots of desk/cubicle time, because that's just the nature of it, and that's fine. But having an active job is great, because if I need to take a day off from working out, well I still wasn't just schlumping around all day. I don't feel guilty.

I was going to write about hobbies, but this post is already pretty long, so I think I'll save it for the next one.

Cheerio!

6.9.15 living in the moment

"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner."
-Collette-


While I was on my walk today, my thoughts started wondering, hopping from here to there to pretty much everywhere.

I hate when this happens when I'm trying to go to sleep, but when I'm exercise, it's not at all a problem.

And to be honest, I don't listen to music when I work out [except for yoga].

With all my thoughts jumbled and bouncing everywhere, it may not seem like it's helping to clear my head, but it really really does.

[I highly recommend taking a few workouts media-less and seeing how it affects you. It's an interesting experience.]

Anyways, I was thinking about the past.

Do you ever think about something in your past? But neither regretting nor yearning for it.

Just remembering it, and appreciating it for what it was.

And where it's brought you.

I'm trying very hard to focus on and live in the moment.

In this moment.

It's difficult, and it's not doable 100% of the time [and probably doing that 100% of the time can cause its own problems], but for me it's important to practice this as much as I can.

Remember this post? I mentioned how I have trouble taking my eyes away from the bigger picture and instead focusing on smaller goals, ones that I can accomplish now?

That happens when I'm trying to live in the future. But I can't live in the future.

Because when I try to, I end up just not really living, period.

I was watching a documentary on Netflix called Tiny: A Story About Living Small, and one of the persons they feature was this lady who threw out a thought.

A thought that affected me more than I expected something like that to.

What she said was along the lines of: "You have to get comfortable with who you are. Because who you are may be all that you're ever going to be."

[It's said at ~42:30 minute mark]

And you may think, well obviously I'm going to change throughout my life.

And you're right. Change is inevitable.

But it doesn't guarantee that you'll be more happy than you were before.

I've been, not always unhappy, but certainly always uncomfortable, with myself since the sixth grade. In the span of those 14 years, I have changed a lot.

And I'm still not comfortable with myself.

That's why it's so important for me to live in this moment. I will never be truly content if I can only focus on past or future events. 

6.8.15 [some of] my personal goals

ONE

complete my degree

TWO

find a killer [in a good way] job

THREE

pay off my student loan debt

FOUR

start making the things I want to make

FIVE

start a business that sells said things that I want to make

These are my academic- and career-related goals, but I definitely have other goals for other areas of my life.

The problem is, I get all caught up and excited thinking about goals four and five, when I really need to be focusing on goal one.

I have to remind myself that everything will still be there when I am ready and able to return to it.

There will a job out there.

I have no doubt that my debt will still be there.

And the materials for the things I want to make probably aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

The other issue I keep running into is my age. I fixate on the fact that I will be gasp a whole 28 years old before my true career starts.

I just...I hate the idea of my "adult" life not really beginning until I'm almost in my thirties. The idea both terrifies and disgusts me.

The funny thing is, I don't have that same feeling when it comes to other people. I think it's awesome when I see a 50some-year-old person in my circuits class. They're finally doing what they want to do, damn their age.

Life doesn't end at 30.

I must remember this, believe this, and accept this.

6.8.15 goals and aspirations

"Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning."

-Gloria Steinem-

Yes, I'm that person who starts her posts with a quote.

But I promise I'll try to keep them under two sentences.

And they [most likely] will be pertinent to the topic at hand...

...which brings me to the current topic: goals and aspirations.

What can goals really be? I believe that they can be anything.

Is there something you want to be/have/make/do/experience/achieve/etc?

Well, there you go. You have found yourself a goal to strive towards.

Although, I think I prefer the word aspiration to the word goal because aspiration just seems so much more...seraphic.

More enchanting.

Whereas goal sounds like something that involves a lot of grunt work and other not-so-fun stuff, and the end product looks less like a Notre Dame and more like a Centennial Office Building.

I mean, we all know deep down that any goal, any aspiration worth achieving is going to take time, effort, blood, sweat, and tears. It has to be difficult, because if it was easy, everybody would do it.

So although you may balk at the idea of taking on something seemingly-Herculean, if you really want it, don't pass on it.

Break it up into little mini goals. And then break those up into steps. And then, break those steps up into itty bitty baby steps.

For example, completing one homework problem correctly - at this moment in time - is quite a bit more doable than, say, graduating. I mean, the latter is just flat out impossible to achieve in this moment. But you can complete one homework problem in this moment, so do that.

Because if you continue to do that, over and over and over, it will eventually bring you to the moment where obtaining your diploma is what is happening.

Keep your eye on the prize, sure. Of course that is important.

But you absolutely have to direct the majority of your focus at the itty bitty baby steps. They're not always fun, and they are hardly ever glamorous.

But they also aren't overwhelming, nor are they so ambitious that you cannot finish.

Plus, it is very...refreshing, to be able to celebrate the mini accomplishments on your way to the big one.

And that is necessary to keep you from losing steam along the way.

the REAL first post

So I realized today that, oh god, my life is remarkably boring right now.

So obviously writing about it online is going to liven it up, yeah?

Or not.

But I have many goals and aspirations, which I tend to veer from very easily when I get into these new gad-abouts and get a new thrill.

They're usually short-lived, so when I make rash, life-altering decisions when I'm in this state, problems tend to arise.

It happens way too often so I have to be constantly and excessively adamant about checking myself before I, you know, wreck my life.

Maybe writing everything down and putting it out there for probably no one the world to read would help me on my quest to....

accomplish my goals?

move forward in life? (I've felt very stuck the last 8 years)

be happier? (I'm not unhappy currently, just...lackluster bordering on indifferent)

So I've decided that this is where I'm going to do it.

Instead of the internet being the most time-sucking, procrastination-enabling, wonderfully entertaining thing ever, I've decided to make the internet work for me.

I'm using it as a tool to get to where I want to be, and hoping that seeing all my thoughts written down typed out will be a constant reminder to take that one little step each day and to not constantly focus on the bigger picture.

Although I believe it's very important to have some kind of bigger picture, some kind of plan or predetermined goal, you can't only stare at that, because it'll seem so huge, so monumental, that you'll go cross-eyed and be paralyzed and end up quitting before you even start.

Or maybe you will start, but after the first few steps are taken and you're still very far from the finished product, you'll feel like you made no headway when, in actuality, you made the most important headway -> the beginning.

So then you quit.

I'm not falling for that this time.

This time, I'm going all the way.

And I'm going to make sure that I enjoy the process.

There will be no "suffering through", because reaching my goals will not satisfy me if the whole way there is just one big grind.

Nope, I'm going to make sure that it's a slide.

the first post

Like a soundcheck

but with text vomit instead of feedback.